I could learn a lot from an 8-year-old

Using her own money, my daughter purchased a present for the child who lives upstairs. She did this because she wanted to make sure that we were being good neighbors and she wanted to share. This is simply how she is.

Tonight, she decided that she was ready to deliver the present that she purchased (school supplies, basically). However, we hadn't found time to wrap the presents because we were traveling, so she grabbed a Santa hat of hers and put the present in it. When I asked her if she was really okay with giving away her hat, her response was "I don't really wear hats that much so it's okay."

I'm so proud and I wish I could ever be that naturally and so easily giving. What a thoughtful, beautiful child.

solitude and quietude

"When I am among the many I live as the many do, and I do not think I really think. After a time it always seems as if they want to banish my self from myself and rob me of my soul."

"I need solitude, which is to say, recovery, return to my self, the breath of a free, light, playful air."

 The words of Friedrich Nietzsche are as good as any for opening this thought.  I could just as easily have opened with the words of a recent house guest: "It's never quiet in your house. I don't know how you do it."

Being a single father to two young children is not the easiest job I've ever had. I am fully aware of the number of moments where I don't wholly engage because my attention is divided by necessity or the times when simply getting things done means missing out on time spent enjoying each other's presences and learning together or even not managing to get things done because we're trying so hard to get other things done. I know that neither my children nor I are getting the best of each other and it is hard.

However, it takes a change in the routine to see exactly how much of a toll this is taking on me.

Having someone else observe the way that we are together and notice that I am always on, that I give 20% of myself to passive observation of the children even while trying to be fully focused elsewhere? That's a bit eye-opening. Having it mentioned that there is a constant level of activity and noise? Raises awareness. Going on a trip from the rural island life that the kids have known to The Big City, where they are my constant companions and must be instructed at every turn because they aren't used to shopping in a Big City Store where you stay in line-of-sight or because they aren't used to a Big City Parking Lot full of cars whose drivers might not be watching or a Big City Airport where you can't wander off and start touching things or a Big City hotel where you can't be as loud as you want and you can't just start touching things in the lobby because well you might break something and Daddy really doesn't feel like trying to figure out how to afford replacing that? Exhausting and all-consuming.

We departed at 6am yesterday, meaning that we were up before 4. For me, this meant that I got about three hours of sleep, maybe. I kept looking for opportunities to rest and recover, but the kids wanted and needed attention on all four legs of our flight (especially as they got more tired). Even in our layover, it was difficult keeping a pair of exhausted kids corralled. Arriving and trying to get some of our fun plans done didn't save any exhaustion.

Now, after about 34 hours of awakeness and Being On over the past 44 hours, I'm ready for some time to myself. I've repeated myself until I question whether my voice is audible beyond the confines of my own head. I've stopped uncharacteristic behavior repeatedly (seriously? We don't climb on those at home. Don't do it in the hotel for the sixth goddamn time). I've heard crying over things that don't matter and dealt with at least five exhaustion tantrums. I've pushed them and me through exhaustion, and now I need some time for me.

I planned this trip at the last minute because it was a chance to visit with an old, good friend. It also got me out of the house without the need for a babysitter and got the kids off the island for fun, which almost never happens. They needed this trip and it was a good choice at the right time. Unfortunately, I failed to consider the fact that even the lightest of agendas would require that I play referee, tour guide, entertainer, provider, teacher, and motivator pretty much non-stop. 

The kids are in bed. They are quiet enough that I can assume, from the other room, that they are both asleep. What they saw of me before bed was not my best self, nor at all what I like for them to see of me before they sleep, but it was the best self that I could muster. Taking ten minutes to draft this post feels great, especially since the only sounds I can hear in the suite right now are the sounds of my keys. I really want to open the book that I've been trying to read, but I can feel my eyelids. The only force strong enough to keep them open right now is willpower and my willpower will dissolve as soon as my focus on finding the words for this post ends. I may well pass out on the couch here, simply because it's that nice to feel alone for a few minutes.

I can only advocate for so many parties in the situation before I lose the ability to deal with the situation at all. Being empathetic and avoiding being trampled and trying to remain impervious to constant attacks and still trying to stand up for the needs of the children, I don't even get to speak up for what I need.

This doesn't work. I cannot always be the strong one, absorbing others' difficulties and supporting others' needs.